The thing with me is, I’m a very awkward person when it comes to understanding feelings and emotions and other high end stuff. It’s not that I belong to the super logic-side of the spectrum, but I know for sure that I don’t really belong to that group of people who suddenly burst out on hearing something deeply intolerable and very heart wrenching.
This usually makes things complicated for me and the others because they get the notion that I’m a very insensitive person.
And I admit, I’m kinda insensitive at times, but until now people have forgiven it as a part of growing up (not after blaming my teenage-ry attitude and other hundered reasons why I didn’t listen to them before and why on earth can’t I think about other people around me also… and so it goes).
This stupid awkwardness and “never understanding any kinds of hints when someone’s trying to express their emotions” that I have imbibed in me, makes me a lot more of a jerk than I already give myself credit for.
I know I keep showcasing that being a jerk is something to be proud of, and you guys must hate me for that. But, leaving the part where being a jerk is the only way out of this insanely mundane world, I guess it’s not such a good thing afterall.
I remember way back in the sixth grade or something, while visiting a temple, I had come across a few destitutes sitting outside. If you are not familiar with the customs, Hindus have this sacred rounds that they do around the idol that is usually kept inside an enclosed cave called the garbagruha. So now, with my little brain racing, I decided to hasten up my steps while doing these rounds, avoid walking with mom and try persuading her for a coin at every random corner that we would meet (we were going in circles, we had to meet somewhere even if I took speedy steps). And though I remember lying to her that I was putting the coins to the temple donation box kept outside, in reality I was distributing it to those destitutes outside.
Then again i was also that toddler whose mom threatened to kill a nearby wandering random ant by trying to pour water on it, if I refused to eat my share of extremely healthy food.
And every single time, I ended up gobbling every bit of that disgusting green leafy vegetable and beans, while crying like a real mess, completely afraid and hysterical about my mom’s further measures towards the gullible victim of an ant.
Don’t comment about animal cruelty down there, cause my mom never killed it. It was just to get me eat my vegetables. And it worked.
What I’m trying to say is, and I quote Luna Lovegood:
I know for certain I’m not really that callous that I don’t see anything other than the problems in my life.
I feel it’s just lost somewhere, trying to cope up with life’s first few wrecks. And I’m sure as I learn how to clean up the mess the way I can (even if it isn’t the perfect way), and learn to, as they say dance in the storm– I’ll pretty soon get back that caring part of me, that seems so hidden to all those outsiders at this point.
So in case, I go all rude suddenly, you should know that either I’m not being serious or I am being serious and you deserved it but the problem was I didn’t know how to put it in a less hurtful way. My bad🙈.
I guess that’s it for now.