A letter to the younger Me.
Hey younger frothywinter!
If there’s one thing that I need to compliment you before I start this, long letter, is your ability to shut other people whom you don’t want to listen to. Trust me, I don’t know how you used to do it, but I simply can’t. I just keep listening to them without ever telling them that I’m not interested in their selfish talks.
So, you’re allowed to close this letter if you want to. I’ll appreciate your courage.
There’s another thing I find very appealing in you. Your rebellious attitude. I don’t know where I lost it. Nowadays, all I feel is, well, distracted. I don’t want to be distracted. I want to shut close everything that goes on in my head and just sit in one place and study because I know that’s the only way out. Like you used to. But I can’t. Thanks to all these one hundred million thoughts running wildly in my head.
Pre-university was just too much. It just made me lose interest in everything, no matter how interesting they sounded when I first heard them in class. Sometimes, you should just stop pressurizing people to do it. If they like it they’ll do it.
I’m not lazy. I’m just sick . I want to sleep, but my eyes hurt so bad and then thinking about that, hurts my head, and then I think that I’m overthinking my problems to be so huge when they are not and that hurts my head even more. You had no such problems.
You were just happy to be in the present.
The younger frothywinter spoke what she wanted to. Did what she wanted to. Didn’t give a damn about what people taught about her. Of course she had friend issues, and she tolerated them probably in a more stronger way than I would have done now.
But you weren’t perfect, alright. You were a self centered, goody-two shoes who didn’t feel any emotion towards anyone except for cute puppies (People still say I’m quite insensitive, but you were worse). You didn’t know that you thought of yourself as a big know-it all (in 4th standard. Kid, u need a break). Though, I’ve forgiven you for that now, I can’t say you haven’t made me overthink about it, days later on.
But, you were happy. You were happy because you let it all out. And you had nothing to worry about because of it. Moreover, people forgave you. They didn’t have these huge terrifying expectations from you. They just wanted you to get your multiplication tables right, which you did, and that enough was to make them proud.
I guess as you grow up, people around you become less forgiving and more expecting. Which kinda sucks. And you have no say in it. All you can do is overthink at night and bear with that hurting head.
I want your ” I dont care what you think about me. And I’m going to say what I think about you” attitude back. I miss being you at times.
But I’ve learnt a lot about humility. I’ve learnt that people are imperfect and you need to accept them for that, because that’s what they’d keep in mind while accepting you. I’ve learnt that there is no good or bad situation and how you deal with it is what matters more (eventhough sometimes I forget that and sob over some rotational dynamics problems).
More than anything I am “learning” to live in that tensed environment where everyone’s expecting skyhigh things from you. And you know its okay not to accomplish everything they’re wanting from you.
Sometimes I go to the extent of telling myself it’s okay both the ways,
Cause if you achieve it, then its well and good.
If not, you’ve shattered all their hopes. And they’ll never piss you off again with their unable-to-meet expectations.
You’ll also learn, in the most horrific way, that you are not the best. And there are always and will always be people better than you. And you need to accept it and just do it because you love doing it. Before you know you’d be giving your best. And in the end, that’s all really matters you know. Giving your best, not being the best.
Another final thought. Stop being such a jerk.